


How Am I Supposed To Live Without You

by TMar



Category: Forever Knight
Genre: Depressing, Gen, Song Challenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-10
Updated: 2018-11-10
Packaged: 2019-08-21 15:16:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16578998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TMar/pseuds/TMar
Summary: Nick hears Natalie is leaving.





	How Am I Supposed To Live Without You

**Author's Note:**

> Yet another song challenge story from FKFIC-L. This one is based on the Laura Branigan version of "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You."

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITHOUT YOU

 

Nick stopped outside Natalie's building and looked up at her window. His  
heart was heavier than it had ever been, and yet he knew it was his own  
fault. He should never have let himself get this close, not when he had  
known what he was, the only ways in which it could end... and the only  
way he would ever have been able to love her. To love her, truly, he  
would have had to bring her across. And he hadn't wanted that... still  
didn't want it... But he had dreamed, and hoped. He knew Natalie had  
too. They had remained in a constant state of flux because of what he  
was, what they felt. Now this.

Nick made his way up to Natalie's apartment, knowing full well why  
she had not said anything to him. It was easier this way, for her. Not  
for him, but then he had backslid and recanted so often that he  
shouldn't have been surprised when she gave up, and found someone else.

***

Nat opened the door, her face set with fierce determination. "Hi, Nick."

"Nat, what -- what is this? I went into the coroner's office today  
and Grace told me that you were leaving. Tell me that isn't true, please."

He was almost begging, but Natalie turned around, and couldn't face  
him. "It's true, Nick."

I could hardly believe it when I heard the news today  
I had to come and get it straight from you.  
They said you were leaving, someone swept your heart away  
From the look upon your face I see it's true  
So tell me all about it, tell me about the plans you're making  
Then tell me one thing more before I go:

"Why?"

"You know why."

Nick could think of every reason, but he wanted to hear it from her,  
from Natalie. "I want to hear it from you."

Natalie turned back and looked up at him. "Because I love you."

To hear that made him so very happy. "But, then, why..."

Finally, Natalie let everything out. "Nick, I've tried, I've tried  
everything, and each time you get closer to the cure, you run off and  
drink blood. Or you go to Janette. Or... you just plain ignore my  
prescriptions. I know you really do want to be mortal, but you've  
sabotaged that goal so many times, I... I don't still want to be here  
when I'm old, still begging you to stay away from the blood. Still  
waiting for you to tell me that you love me, still wanting you. I just  
can't take it anymore, Nick. I'm sorry."

"So you found someone else?"

She shook her head. "He found me. He loves me, Nick. He *can* love  
me. I don't love him, but..." Nick knew the rest. 'But he can be there  
for me, in ways which you never can.'

"But you love me," he said.

"Yes, and I want you more than anything... but I'm tired of this  
waiting. I thought I could handle it, but you haven't made it easy."

"Natalie, don't think I don't want you, too, because..."

Nat put her fingers on his lips to shut him up. "I know you do, Nick.  
I can feel it sometimes. But wanting something doesn't make it so. We  
cannot have each other, no matter how badly we want it."

"Nat..."

"Don't say it, Nick. Don't ask me to stay. You know I can't do that,  
not and keep my sanity. Eventually you'd kill me, or bring me over. Or  
we'd go crazy with frustration. Either way, nothing good can come of  
this." She sighed, looking at him. "I do love you."

"I love you, Nat." As he said it, Nick knew that admitting it meant  
they had finally reached some... plateau. It was their parting gift to  
one another. Finality. It was over. Nick felt all his hopes of becoming  
mortal slip away from him, with her.

Tell me how am I supposed to live without you  
Now that I've been loving you so long  
How am I supposed to live without you  
And how am I supposed to carry on  
When all that I've been living for is gone

"I guess all that's left to say now is goodbye," Nick said.

Natalie went into his arms. "I guess that is all that's left. I  
wish... I wish I could have found the cure." She looked at him, tears  
staining her cheeks. "Maybe someday you'll find it." As Nick brushed  
away the tear, Natalie forced herself to speak. "Promise me, Nick.  
Promise you won't stop looking."

Nick felt tears slide down his cheeks, too. He nodded, almost  
imperceptibly. "I promise." He was only promising because she had asked  
him to. Why did he feel there would be no cure without her? Perhaps in  
his mind they were the same goal: the cure, and Natalie. If he was  
cured, he could have her. And he couldn't have her unless he was cured.  
But it didn't matter anymore, either way. Both were out of his reach now,  
unless he brought her over... and he wouldn't do that. Better she live  
somewhere else, and be loved by someone else, than lose her soul over  
him.

Didn't come here for crying, didn't come here to break down  
It's just a dream of mine is coming to an end  
How can I blame you, when I built my world around  
The hope that one day we'd be so much more than friends  
And I don't wanna know the price I'm gonna pay for dreaming  
I need you now, it's more than I can take

Natalie was brushing away his tears, looking at the blood on her  
fingers. Blood. That's what it came down to, every time. The accursed  
blood, and what it meant to both of them. Nick saw that in her eyes, as  
the blood finally seemed to bring her out of her mood. She pushed  
against him. "Let me go now, Nick. Please." She could never tell him  
that she felt that if he didn't let her go immediately, she might give  
in, and stay. That would only hurt them both all over again, because  
they would just come to this again.

"Let me kiss you, just once, just this last time," said Nick.

Tell me how am I supposed to live without you  
Now that I've been loving you so long  
How am I supposed to live without you  
And how am I supposed to carry on  
When all that I've been living for is gone

Their lips met, mingled with salt and blood from their tears.

And I don't wanna know the price I'm gonna pay for dreaming  
Now that your dream has come true

Nick wondered what it would be like... to be able to kiss her like this  
every day, to hold her, to make love to her, to have her for himself. It  
would be so easy... Then she'd *have* to stay with him, she'd have no  
choice... Nick felt his eyes go gold, felt his fangs...

He pulled away. No! He would never, *ever* do that to her. That was  
slavery, and she might end up hating him for it. He wouldn't become to  
her what LaCroix was to him. Never.

Natalie was looking into his eyes without fear. They were still gold,  
and to her for a moment, beautiful. Just for that moment she wanted to  
throw herself at him, beg him to bring her over. Then she could be with  
him, and they could have it all...

All except the sun. Children. Their souls. Natalie shivered. It  
wasn't meant to be.

Nick was apologising.

"Nick, don't. I wanted you to bring me over just as badly. But...  
that would destroy us both, eventually."

Nick nodded. He knew she was right. He kissed her softly, just one  
last time. "I know. I should go now."

Nat nodded. "I don't think we should keep in touch, do you?"

"No." It would be too painful, for both of them.

Nick walked towards the door, and Nat's voice stopped him. "I'll keep  
looking, Nick. Without you it'll be difficult, but if I ever do find a  
cure, I'll find a way to let you know."

What he said next hurt Nick almost as much as Natalie's leaving, but  
he had to do it, had to say it. She deserved a rich, full life with  
someone else, with no ties to him, or anything to do with him. "No. Just  
be happy, Nat. Don't look for a cure. Live your own life, the one you  
would have had if you hadn't met me. Live a long life, get married,  
have..." The words caught in his throat. "Have a family. Promise me."

"But - "

"No. Promise me."

"All right."

Nick turned one last time at the door. "I love you." He rushed out  
before she could say anything in response.

Tell me how am I supposed to live without you  
Now that I've been loving you so long  
How am I supposed to live without you  
And how am I supposed to carry on  
When all that I've been living for is gone

As he left, Nick wondered what there was left to live for. It was all  
gone, forever. He wiped away the tears from his face, wondering which  
was the best place in the city to watch the sun rise... He would see his  
last sunrise, and then...

No. Somehow, he had to go on. Even had to keep looking for a cure.  
Had to put up with Tracy. Had to stay here and work, give back to  
society, the way he was meant to. He didn't know how he'd do it without  
Natalie, but he had to.

He'd promised.

THE END


End file.
